I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
