just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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