i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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