want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
