She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
