I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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