I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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