it was like his penis was on wheels.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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