So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
