you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We're too hungover to prance.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
