dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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