I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
