so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
false alarm, still single
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
