why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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