you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize