I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
