i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
