I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
