Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
