I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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