the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
