i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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