He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
