just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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