So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
