So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
