I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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