Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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