Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
