Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
