Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
