sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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