those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
