Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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