I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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