Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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