We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
