OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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