I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
