I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
