the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
