I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
