We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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