If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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