New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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