It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
