We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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