I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
