I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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