I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
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We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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