You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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