after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
