My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
