i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
