Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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