Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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