I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
