Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
